SYNOPSIS: Christos, a young man who recently lost his fiancé to an Italian athlete decides to break into her residence to retrieve the wedding ring he gave to her, with the help of a few friends.
A head’s up, this piece contains some explicit coarse language.
Jerry watched the glasses get topped up once more by the barkeep as the sound of roaring laughter and constant profanities filled his ears.
‘Drink up!’ smiled his friend, downing the glass in one gulp.
‘I think you’ve had enough’ stated Jerry, nodding at the barkeep to acknowledge what he’d said, who simply replied with ‘how many fingers am I holding up’, placing three fingers in front of Christos’s face.
‘Ah, twelve?’ questioned Christos as the barkeep smiled. ‘Close enough’ he said, pouring him another shot as Jerry rolled his eyes, unable to believe that a woman could have possibly done this to his friend.
‘She was my life’ said Christos emotionally, chugging the entire glass and indicating for the barkeep to pour him another, Jerry not even bothering to tell him otherwise this time.
Christos downed the glass once more. ‘I was her Orpheus and she was my Eurydice.’
‘It’s no wonder you didn’t last’ said Jerry.
‘But not to worry folks!’ shouted Christos, holding out his hands, ‘for I have a plan!’
‘Here we go’ grunted Jerry, tossing his head back.
‘I’m going to break into my ex-wife’s house and steal all of her jewelry’ smiled Christos.
‘Oh, right, that’s totally going to win her affection back’ said Jerry, clapping his hands. ‘Bravo, bravo!’
‘No, no, it’s not that at all!’ shouted Christos angrily, requesting another top up of his glass before continuing. ‘She ran off with some athletic Eyetie bastard, who runs around on a treadmill all day for a living, when she could have had all this!’ he shouted, thrusting out his hands for all to admire his body.
‘I bet it was a hard decision’ said Jerry, ‘the smell of indecent sweat in exchange for the smell of alcoholic abuse.’
‘I want some compensation for such unnecessary and barbaric treatment. She left me, and I was left humiliated and disgraced’ said Christos, a tear rolling down his face. ‘And the compensation I require is the ring I gave to her in exchange for her promise.’
‘What?’ questioned Jerry. ‘You mean you wish to re-obtain the ring you won in the Kinder Surprise egg?’
‘I didn’t win it!’ shouted Christos. ‘I bought and paid for it with my own blood and sweat, and I believe I deserve it back, along with the rest of her jewelry. Which is why we’re going to break into her crib and snatch it!’
‘I’m all for the snatch part’ commented Jerry. ‘That I could really use right now, but there is no way I’m going with you to Cynthia’s place to steal her jewelry. Now, I don’t care if you paid for it, as soon as you gave it to her, it became hers.’
‘It ain’t gonna be just you and me on this gig’ smiled Christos. ‘I’m bringing Evelyn, my ex-girlfriend along, you know, the woman from way back.’
‘And why do we need her?’ asked Jerry.
‘Because, we need at least one professional on this job’ nodded Christos. ‘Besides, I’m a little terrified of her.’
‘You’re terrified of a woman?’ laughed Jerry. ‘How could you possibly be terrified of a woman? They’re all made up of sugar and other sweet, delicious things.’
‘What the fuck are you doing you dumb son of a bitch!’ roared Evelyn. Now this was the way a real woman behaved. Her mouth salivating, her hands clenched into fists, her eyes a bright red in fury as veins began to protrude from the corners of her pupils. ‘You fuck this up one more time and I’m gonna snap your fucking neck!’ she shouted, the attendant behind the register cowering in terror as he attempted to give her the right amount of change back for the twenty dollar note she had handed him for the packet of tampons she’d purchased, not to mention the several liters of fuel for her ride; a hybrid mustang.
Evelyn’s phone suddenly rang as she flicked it open, grunting ‘what?’ into the receiver before grabbing the man behind the register by the scruff of his neck and holding him over the counter. ‘Swap me out the proper change, or I’m gonna beat the shit out of you, before ripping out your eyes and skull fucking your brain!’ She watched the attendant attempt to procure the change from the register as she nodded in response to the call. ‘Yeah, I can be there’ she said, before putting her phone away and eyeing the attendant coldly.
The correct change was suddenly thrust in her direction as she caught it in mid-air preparing to leave before grunting ‘and one more thing.’ She turned around to the attendant and knocked him out with a right hook to the side of the head, leaping over the register and beginning to empty out the entire till.
Jerry shuffled in the cold, his hands in his pockets as he waited out on the side of the bridge that led towards Cynthia’s house. The ground was frozen in a dense layer of frost as his breath came out before him, his legs shaking in the cold of the night. A pair of headlights were visible on the highway up ahead as Christos’s BMW drove up beside him, the roof being disengaged as his friend smiled up at him. He was not alone however, another man who was considerably plump sitting in the backseat.
Jerry indicated for Christos to exit the car and talk to him in the privacy of the trees, his friend grudgingly following Jerry’s lead.
‘Why do we have to steal your ex-wife’s jewelry when you’re riding around in that piece of ass?’ cried Jerry.
‘I blew all the money on the car’ grunted Christos with a sideways glance as Jerry rolled his eyes.
‘And what about the jolly fat man sitting up back?’ probed Jerry. ‘I thought it was just going to be me, you, and your ex.’
‘Change of plans’ said Christos out from the corner of his mouth. ‘My aunty isn’t going to be home tonight and so asked me to take care of my cousin, Marty. He’s a little slow in the head and needs constant supervision. He has a few strange obsessions and hobbies, so don’t mind him either, and whatever you do, don’t mention we‘re going to steal anything. I have him believing we’re going to Disneyworld.’
‘Right’ nodded Jerry, making his way over to the car. ‘Hey Marty, we’re going to go steal some shit, wanna come?’
‘Awesome’ smiled Marty as Christos gave Jerry a dirty look before grunting ‘would you mind sitting in the back?’
‘Is there anything else you wouldn’t mind me doing?’ barked Jerry. How ‘bout I wipe the windows while I’m at it,’ reluctantly doing as his friend requested.
‘Can you drop something?’ asked Marty as Jerry sat beside him.
‘Oh yeah’ grunted Jerry between clenched teeth, ‘this is going to be a real pleasure cruise’ he said as Christos gave him a look before beginning to drive on towards Cynthia’s place.
Barely twenty minutes later they arrived outside of Cynthia’s. The residence was an extremely gargantuan mansion sitting on top of a large hill overlooking the surrounding plains. A metallic fence ran around the entire property as the three men admired the place. Christos stopped the car as the headlights ran over shapes before him, Evelyn beginning to walk over to them after peering in through the fence at one of the windows, entering the vacant seat up front.
‘Who the fuck is this?’ barked Evelyn, indicating at Marty as Christos said ‘don’t ask.’
‘Glad to meet you again Evelyn’ said Jerry, reaching out his hand as she swiped it away. ‘Don’t touch me!’ she cried. ‘I’m not your whore!’ She calmed down before continuing. ‘I’ve checked the place out. They left a couple of hours ago, so I don’t know how long you have.’
‘You mean you’re not coming?’ questioned Christos in a frightened squeak as Evelyn shook her head. ‘It’s your party.’
‘Jerry?’ asked Christos.
‘Why don’t you ask Marty, he looks as though he’s dying to come in there with you’ retorted his friend.
‘Drop something!’ smiled Marty.
‘And look, he’s already in the mood to vandalise shit’ grinned Jerry as Christos exited the car. ‘Fine, I’ll do it on my own you bunch of pussies’ he grunted, moving towards the gate.
‘Come back over here and say that’ yelled Evelyn. ‘Bitch!’ she muttered, watching Christos make his way over the fence and collapse on the other side before disappearing into the darkness around him.
Ten minutes later Christos had still failed to return, Jerry becoming aggravated in the back seat.
‘Drop something’ said Marty suddenly as Evelyn rolled her eyes. ‘How ‘bout I drop a turd, would you like that!’
‘That would be funny’ commented Marty.
‘Yeah, right on your friggin’ head’ grunted Evelyn as security alarms suddenly began to ring out from the household, a great crashing sound being heard as pieces of glass were showered across the grounds. Christos leapt out from an upstairs window before rolling across the lawn, making his way back over the fence and into the car with a couple of bags tucked under his arms.
‘I got the dough’ he smiled.
‘You got something’ mumbled Jerry, the car beginning to pull out from the house and onto the highway.
The next morning the BMW was parked outside of a McDonald’s drive-in, Marty being left to protect the vehicle whilst the others made their way into the fast food outlet to grab themselves a bite to eat.
A few minutes later as Jerry, Christos and Evelyn walked back into the parking lot they could instantly tell something was terribly wrong. Especially upon discovering the car missing.
‘Did we lock the doors?’ asked Jerry, looking around the parking lot as if hoping to see it parked somewhere else.
‘I don’t know’ stated Christos. ‘But I did leave the keys in the ignition.’
‘Did you happen to leave the engine running as well?’ barked Evelyn. ‘Hell, we should’ve put a sign up saying ‘please steal this car because these barmy shits couldn’t lock the fucking doors!’
‘What about Marty?’ asked Christos.
‘Screw him’ retorted Evelyn, ‘I’d be more concerned about the loot we left him with. And who’s to say he didn’t double cross us?’
‘He can’t drive!’ shouted Christos, Evelyn looking about to take a piece out of him as a police car suddenly drove up beside them, its sirens blaring as two officers sprung out from its interior.
‘Put your hands in the air where we can see them!’ they commanded as Jerry swore under his breath, Christos reluctantly doing as they asked before finding himself with the others in the back of the car.
Christos found himself in the confines of the dark interrogation room which was immediately flooded with light, an officer making her way into the room.
‘We found your car’ stated the officer, sitting down before Christos. ‘We also found your cousin in the back seat. We would have charged him with complicity in your crimes, but he’s been treated leniently because he didn’t know what he was getting himself involved in. Jerry too has been acquitted because it seems he’s quite a pillar of the community, stating he only became involved because he didn’t have the heart to say otherwise. As for Evelyn, she has a rap sheet bigger than my arm, and we just can’t be bothered going through the paperwork to charge her with something else. You however, you’re ours. I went through your file and found your educational statistics.’
‘School’s not for everyone’ stated Christos.
‘Yeah, well who wants a university degree anyway when you can receive an even better education from the Crayon Cabana. It appears you received an even more efficient education from your prior employment as well, the Majister of Meats’. She paused before continuing. ‘You know what I see before me? I see an incompetent individual who no doubt is on his way down to a place I wouldn’t even attempt to imagine. Have you anything to say for yourself?’
Christos grimaced. ‘Did you find the ring?’